I'm gonna WHAT now??

The Challenge has been made. I have no choice I must do this....


After much talk of health, and losing weight and not dieing...hubby has agreed to do a 5K. He is a struggling compulsive eater who has been in OA (overeaters anonymous) for about 3 weeks. He threw down the gauntlet and announced that he'd found a 5K that he wanted to do...on one condition. I do it with him....but not the 5K portion...you see this is a 10 mile & 5K road race...linky here he wants me to do the 10mile run while he does the 5 K that way we are both nervous and uncertain if we can complete it. I think that running a 5K could be a wonderful experience for him...so I pretty much HAVE to run this 10 mile race. This, from the girl who ran for 3 miles along the board walk while in Virginia Beach and nearly puked. Nearly puked over 3 miles...how am I ever gonna do 10 miles? Oh but that's not even the best part...the best part is...there is a cut off time! Yes, in order for my time to count I MUST finish in under 2 hours. That means less than a 12 minute mile...I'm currently doing about a 14 minute mile. I sure do have my work cut out for me. Although so does hubby...he weighs around 400lbs...he's 6'4" so he carries it pretty well...but that's still a lot of weight to move around for 3.1 miles.
So that is the current plan. September 19th, 2010, I should be running 10 miles. Should be interesting!!

Dosha Quiz time... Lots of links 2 share.

Ahhh, the internet... no matter what you wanna know about yourself, there is an internet quiz to take that will tell you all you need to know! lol. It's a particularly slow night at work tonight so I decided to take some online quizes and figure out what my Dosha is.
If you have no idea what a Dosha is a quick Wiki link will fill you in.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ayurveda
Well I took 2 different quizzes on line and the verdict is the same... I'm a Pitta Person.

I have to admit I see my Pitta-tude in alot of the questions... in fact when I'm "in a mood" my hubby has referred to me as Spicy...lol.
So below you'll find links to the quizzes I took...had to take 2 just to be sure...lol

http://www.ayurveda7.com/dosha-quiz.htm On that one I got a Vata: 9 Pitta: 28 and Kapha: 12

in the second quiz my numbers looked like this:

My overall Dosha is Pitta

In my body:
Vata 2
Pitta 6
Kapha 4

In My Mind:
Vata 3
Pitta 9
Kapha 0


The link to that quiz is here: http://www.whatsyourdosha.com/quiz/
though I must say, after reading all the descriptions...I think I have a good bit of Kapha in me too. This web site has a nice description of each.
http://www.joyfulbelly.com/Ayurveda/article/dosha/Pitta

Your turn...What Dosha are you?

I'm back!! and ready to Rock!!

First a few Vacation Pics....

Nothing says HEAVEN like sandy toes!

Virginia Beach at Dusk

I'll post more as I go through them...I still haven't done that yet...lol...Vacation-Hangover!!
Vacay was just the thing to jump-start my zeal for life. Being in Virginia Beach helped me unwind and forget all life's craptastic glory. I feel renewed, rejuvenated and down right giddy. I'm already excitedly planning to go there again next year...and on the agenda for next year...being fitter!! I've pretty much decided...I'm a beach bum. I want to try everything... surfing, parasailing, kiteboarding you name it...I wanna try it.




H3LL- ASS- YeS!!
I should be doing those things....RIGHT NOW. I need to do those things. That however is going to require...some athletic core strength. Probably some endurance too. Thankfully running will give me those things..yep, between, yoga, my stability ball and my treadmill, I should have all I need to get in shape for my next vacay. Incidentally...I was so active on this vacation that I actually lost 2 lbs!! 2bs in a week...that's freakin awesome! I was so stoked this morning I ran a little over a mile. 1.15 to be exact... ran as in just ran...no walking...no breaks just pumped out a mile. And I could have done more..but I was pressed for time. For good measure, though, I took a 2.5 mile walk this evening!! BooYah

it's not me...it's you.

As part of a writing project I'm participating in, graciously hosted by http://binduwiles.com/ , I have decided to: "Write a letter to what is making you sad."
I chose FEAR because I feel it is the root of my inner turmoil. So, without further adieu, here is my letter. Enjoy.



Dear Mr. Irrational Fear,
Pack your crap and get the hell out, that's right, we are through. Look, I know you said you were just protecting me. I know you want me to be safe. But, your a control freak and I'm done with this abusive relationship. We've been together a long time now and in the beginning it was nice to hide behind you. When something came along that threatened to push me out of my comfort zone...you said no, and helped keep me calm. I thought that was what I needed. But, as the years progressed, your grip got tighter and you got down right mean. Friends would ask me out for drinks or to a movie and you'd tell me, "no, you can't go." You tell me crazy things like, "you'll just look stupid." or " you'll humiliate yourself." You grew increasingly paranoid everyday. To the point where you wouldn't even let me go out for groceries without implying that something horrible would happen if I did. You won't let me try new things, you just tell me, "Your are such a F%^k up you never do anything right". You shoot down my confidence before I even try. Don't act like you don't know what I'm talking about...remember the painting I wanted to try. I went shopping for the paints and canvas...but you wouldn't let me buy them. You told me it would be a waste of time and money becuase I have no talent. You told me it was frivilous and childish and I gave up that dream because of you. Oh, and even earlier this year, when I was doing the couch 2 5K program, you just couldn't stand that fact that it was starting to give me confidence so you verbally abused me until I quit. You call yourself my friend, my ally, but your actions speak louder that words. You are no friend of mine! My real friends have quit calling to ask me out becuase they hate you and they know you won't let me do anything. You try to twist that arround on me too, telling me that they hate me because I'm fat and stupid. But, I see it clearly now, it's never been about me. It's been you, all the time, and now I hate you too. When I think of all the wasted years I spent on you, the number of times that you made me cry...or made me feel inferior, oh, it's just a damn shame! I'm not innocent though, I let you do this to me. I should have known. I should have realized how controling and paranoid you were becoming. But, I believed your lies. I made your delusion my truth. Living under your control has made me miserable, alone and afraid. I feel like a prisoner and I have had enough! That's why I have to say we are through. I don't need you or your "protection" anymore. I want to live...I want to be free! I want to feel good about myself again. I can't do that with you around. I'm sorry Mr. Fear but, I hate you and I never wanna see you again.
~Kat

Unexpectedness...

Open, shapeless, ebb and flow...

My yoga, the book I'm currently reading, and recent life events are causing me to investigate myself in new and foreign ways. Opening me up to the concept of non-control. I'm not sure but I think I could be, or have been, a control Nazi. If my life were just blah, and my kids were just blah, and my house was just blah, etc,etc,etc....then I could be happy. The only part missing is the part where I ACTUALLY LIVE!! I've spent so much energy on making things "a certain way" that I forgot that the true beauty in life is the element of unexpectedness. The flower that blooms in the most unlikely place.

Hubby and I have been dealing with a lot of relationship things the past couple years. We still love each other very deeply but, we've come to realize that neither of us is very healthy, mentally speaking. He is a binge eater and I'm filled with fear...of what I'm not yet certain. His issues, are my issues. When he's doing bad, I feel helpless and then I fail as well. I gain weight, I stop moving, I get depressed. I can't control him...can't make him stop. I feel like I can only stand by and watch him chow his way to an early grave. For reasons he can't tell me, coz he doesn't know himself.

The 21.5.800 project has been bringing this topic to the forefront. I think I've been wanting to talk about it for awhile now but it's hard. Addictions are not easy things to talk about. They are self-inflicted and hearing about them you think the person is weak and they should just stop it. I can tell you, when I look into hubby's eyes, he has all the desire in the world to stop. He is good for a time and then...things fall apart. When he's deep in a cycle I swear his soul grows dark, there is a dense and choking gloom about him that seems to draw the very life out of you. He is tortured by this affliction and I feel cannot help him. When he's bad, I have to hide money from him, he will take it and spend it on fast food, burgers, pizzas, you name it. He'll eat in the car to hide how much he eats, he'll eat and night to hide as well. I feel I am getting caregivers syndrome. But, he needs me, I keep him trying at least. I shudder to think what would happen to him if I died or something.

That is why it hard taking time off to go to Virginia Beach. But, I really need the escape. The beach has always been my sanctuary. When I'm there..all stress seems to melt off from me. Like it's being washed away by the waves. I grew up on a lake so water has been a part of my earliest memories, I have always loved it. My mom often tells a story of me as a toddler and my obsession with water. She had to watch me closely because if you took your eyes off me for a second I'd be neck deep in that water, I had no fear. I'm not sure why me and water are such great friends but it is at times the only thing that can bring me peace.

Lying in savasana, and some simple healing yoga is all I have been doing. My body is tight and twisted. Yoga opens my senses up to observe how painfully stressed I really am. Letting go is hard, clearing my mind is hard. Even making time for me is hard. Worst of all relaxing is nearly impossible. It frustrates me and infuriates me and at times makes me want to cry. This process is slow and arduous but it is my sincere hope that by the end of this year, some permanent changes will have taken place...for the better this time.

You know, I wonder if my control Nazi-ism comes from the desire to conceal hubby's secret, and my own codependent behavior. If I can keep things a certain way...we won't appear so screwed up. People won't know, family won't know, kids won't know how far the rabbit hole goes...maybe I won't know...then I won't have to deal with it until it smacks me in the face. Maybe it isn't a control at all but rather and unwillingness to accept. Hubby has sought counseling and OA. I'm skeptical and really I guess unwilling to hope for better. I'm afraid that hope will only betray me. I don't share these things with hubby, he needs my devoted support, it's hard for him to admit he needs help and support...this is big for him.

In the midst of all this is everyday life and stresses, which I have assumed the bulk of, to allow him time to heal and work on himself. This all added to my already stressed out self. But, I feel like if I can just shoulder it long enough...it could all pay off in a big way. Quite the gamble huh?

Positively Positive Possibilities

So I'm trying to get ready for work tonight (3rd shift). I go to the cupboard to get a flavor packet for my water...Box is there...packets are all gone! Annoyed, I head to the living room to yell at kids for not only drinking all my flavor packets but also leaving the stupid box in the cupboard so I'll think we still have some. On the way to the living room, I trip over my daughters shoes which are naturally just laying right in the middle of the floor...Thank You! So I yell at the girl. Pick your shoes up and take them to your room...you don't just leave them laying about like that someone could trip over them and break their neck...is that what you want? On to the living room I go...Who drank all my flavor packets? I glance about at the sea of deer-in-the-headlights expressions, well I know it was a kid because daddy doesn't drink them and I wouldn't have put the box back empty when the trash can is 2 steps away. They are all quiet. Fine...thanks a lot guys. I finish getting ready, say bye to hubby, then I'm out the door. On the way to work, ROAD CONSTRUCTION, oh boy!! Out of the blue they decided to reduce a normal 4 lane highway down to 1 lane, on Saturday night so there is plenty of traffic....and of course there are the standard idiots that stay in the left lane until the last second, then hold up traffic as they try to butt in...HELLO...DID YOU NOT SEE THE LAST 5 GINORMOUS GLOWING ARROWS TELLING YOU TO MERGE RIGHT? No, No, that's ok...cut right in front of me that's fine, you are after all so much more important than me. JERK. Needless to say, after all that I arrived at work...LATE. I wasn't in trouble...but they did give me crap about it...the sarcastic crap...which actually helped me to feel a little better.

All that negative energy was building in me, and with each new thing the negativity grew it was like a snowball of hate. Laughing even about a small part of it helped me to breathe...and put it into perspective. Behold, the power of the mind!

That all led to thoughts on positivity. Glass half full, half empty...I think most of us have figured out where we stand on that one. I know for the biggest portion of my life I've been a half-empty person. I really wanna change that and tonight really kinda illustrated that for me. So in the slower times here at my job I've been checking out positivity. That brought me to the LIVESTRONG website. That talked alot about internal dialog. I know I have problems there. I'm very down on myself and sometimes just down right mean to myself. I think I'm weak, inconsistent, and unattractive, I'm repeatedly telling myself all the ways that I'm unacceptable. When I go out to perceive the world, I'm only looking for those things that support my view of being unacceptable. That's obvious, when you consider how lightly I take praise and how easily I can become destroyed by poorly fitting clothes, other people, or even my own reflection in a door or mirror.

So, by that logic simply changing the way I talk to myself I could start a positive change in my life. It would cause me to go out in the world and start to perceive things in a nicer way which should boost my self esteem and make me more positive.

I hesitate to call this brain washing, since that term has such a negative connotation. but this is in effect a sort of Brain-Cleansing. How I got such negative energy this evening is a mystery. But, by speaking to myself and out loud and not clearing that energy...I essentially gave it soil to grow in...you know what I mean?

So what do you think? Are you a Debbie Downer or a Suzie Sunshine?

She's got a ticket to ride...

Well I booked my flight today. Fear or no Fear I'm going to Virginia Beach! Baba and I plan to drive out there. Then after several fabulous days, I'll be flying back...all by myself. Gulp Tonight I have been researching all the ins and outs of airport security. I wanna try to get by with just my purse and 1 carry-on bag. So I'm trying to figure out what the real no-no items are.
I'm not too worried about making it on to my first flight, since I'll have my girls there to help me find my terminal and see me off. But, after that, I'll fly into Atlanta and then take a connector flight to Detroit. Once in Detroit my hubby will be there to pick me up. I'm sure it will go fine. But, I am nervous about it! Mostly about finding my way around Atlanta Airport and making it to my connector flight on time.
Since, I'm gonna be gone out to VA, that leaves hubby at home with the kiddos. He's already planing some quality time with them in the form of movies and video games...lol. I'd rather be in VA...lol.

Today's exercise consisted of a 0.75 mile walk and a 15 minute Savasana. Not much, but at least I got something in. I'm searching for the energy to re-commit to some higher impact exercise...the kind that takes some poundage off. It'd be nice if I could lose a few before my lil vacation.