Shopping FAIL

Every day is a new day I'm reminded of my past
Every time there's another storm I know that it wont last
Every moment I'm filled with hope
cause i get another chance
But I will try I will try
Got nothing left to hide

I'm beautifully broken and I don't mind if you know it
I'm beautifully broken and I don't care if I show it.

Beautifully Broken by Ashlee Simpson

So today I went shopping, should have ran my scheduled 3 miles, but I went shopping instead. Things were going great until I stopped by Dick's Sporting Goods to look at running shorts...

At this point I should mention, I don't own a full length mirror. I also should mention that the Vegan diet seems to make you feel amazing and energetic. So I haven't even thought about my body image in several weeks. I've just been running and eating and living life. I know from my clothes that I've been losing weight but I haven't stepped on a scale in a few weeks...I get number crazy. So I have vowed to stay away from the scale until July 1st. all that said...

I walked over to the running shorts feeling like Ms.Thang. I knew I wanted/needed compression shorts for my thigh-flab issues. But I also wanted to get some shorts. then I saw them, shorts with built in compression shorts. How cool. I'm trying them on!

XL? L ? I have been losing weight I'll try them both. And with that I skipped off to the fitting room. Beaming with confidence I grabbed the L first. and put them on, slid them right on! Hell Yeah I knew it! Go Vegan! Go Vegan! Yeah. Then I looked into the mirror... and the party was over. Staring into the mirror I saw my legs. The legs I feel so proud of, the legs that run 9 miles....but, what I felt, and what I saw were not the same thing.


In my head my legs were awesome, powerful, beautiful. But when I looked in the mirror, they were old, and fat. The compression shorts ended in a tender part of my inner thigh and cut in just a bit, enough to really showcase the lovely thigh cheese I was growing there. My mood sunk. I wasn't a runner, I wasn't fit and healthy. I was old, fat, used up, worthless. A fool to believe that true change was possible. I tried on the XL and it was bigger, but the issue was the same. I am a size L and I should be happy about that...but I wasn't. I gathered everything and went back out into the store. Hubby was a bit stunned by my quick mood change, but he caught on to what was going on. I told him I was ready to leave, I wanted out of the store.

An old saga was trying to play itself out again. The words spilled into my brain like the lines of a well rehearsed play. "Not good enough", "Give Up", "Failure". These are all the lines my Internalized Parent/Super Ego likes to feed me. The next step in the play would be the appearance of my Id/Child which would mean crying, eating bad food and feeling depressed...sometimes for weeks. Those two, (parent and child) would battle it out and when the dust settled, my ego would then emerge from the rubble to clean it all up again. That's when I'd "start running again" or "go on a diet". The initial trigger was different each time, but the result was the same, conflict, pleasure seeking, depression, guilt and fear.

We had some different errands to run so hubby took care of those as I sat in the car thinking.

It is true, I'm not where I want to be weight wise. But, that shouldn't negate the the fact that I have lost weight, or that I'm a size smaller now...yeay! My inner thighs do have some cellulite on them and maybe I'm not ready to where shorts that short. But, I'm coming along, I just have to give it time. NOTHING CHANGED the only thing that was different was my emotions. I can choose to look at the positive, or focus on the negative.
It is my choice.

But, You know what? It's all good. Because, I saw this whole thing attempt to play out. I caught it in time to do something different. I realized the trappings of my past, I felt sad for the moment, but I kept to my plan. I did not medicate with food. I reasoned through my emotions and I've got a run planned for Sunday morning. I may still stumble but Perfection is not the goal. Moving forward in health...that is the goal!

You've Changed...

So I walk up on high
and I step to the edge
To see my world below
And I laugh at myself
while the tears roll down
'Cause it's the world I know,
it's the world I know.

- Collective Soul


I'm feeling a whole mess of things today. During my run today the song "It's World I know" came on. It got me thinking about my journey this year, both physical and emotional. Right now, as I look back to who I was and how I felt in 2010, it feels distant. I remember it from an emotional vantage, anger, failure, self-loathing, depression. I know it, but it feels like it's gone from me now. Like a veil has been removed and I see things clearly. I look back on my life and I'm sad, for that person I was, for the lost time. I look forward and I have a bit of fear, this path that I'm on is unknown. Who am I? Who am I becoming? The changes are welcomed but scary at the same time.

How I've grown thus far
- Knowledge of internalized parent/child conflict or Super-ego/Id
- Completion(with relative ease)of the C25k program
- Signing up for the Half Marathon in Virginia
- Beginning the half marathon training program
- Becoming Vegan

They don't look like much begin written out like this, but the sum of these things result in a completely different me. A scary new me that I don't recognize, but I'm liking. I guess to put it simply I have had a huge, or maybe a few semi-huge "ah-ha moments" as Oprah would put it. Mid-Life Crisis? Maybe that's where I was at in 2010. I don't feel in crisis right now. Actually for the first time ever I feel in control, unstoppable, amazing. But since I've done nearly a complete 180 in 6 months time, it's not surprising that I'm still a little uncertain of it all. The kids have officially noticed over the last few days. Saying things like, "wow your happy" or "why are you so happy" for them to notice a change in me says a lot.

I think this "happy" they speak of is really just peace. I accept where I am right now, both weight wise, and running wise. I know I have a ways to go before I'm down to my goal weight, but I have every confidence that I will get there in time. I am not worried or obsessing over it. I am not weighing my food or counting calories. Not torturing myself with exercise. I'm just making Vegan food choices, listening to my body and running. I have definitely tried to beat, hate, torture, deprive and verbally abuse myself into shape. That never really worked for me. But now I appreciate and I'm even in awe of my body. I'm amazed as I push it further and further, mile after mile. My body takes it and keeps going. I AM Strong after all.

Half-Marathon Training:
Time: 00:57:00
Distance: 4.03 miles
Pace: 14:08

Thought for the day...

"Many are so preoccupied with what others think it defines their existence. When we fixate externally, it keeps us from truly knowing ourselves and our destiny. Most [people] fear looking inward for worry they won't find greatness, but when you stop allowing others to define your worth, you'll see—greatness exists in us all, waiting to be
 expressed" –Jillian Michaels

Motivational xtrain

Vegetarian lentil soup and much running blog reading...seems like the perfect way to prepare of today's xtraining session. I must admit, reading blogs is so motivational for me, I'm not even sure why. Maybe it's a feeling of belonging to a group, or maybe it's just in the psychology of connecting through struggle. Or maybe it's just to ground myself in the idea that running can be a very physical and mental struggle, a struggle that every runner goes through regardless of distance, pace, or PR's. We all have our walls, we all have our PR's. The thrill of the race, the battle of will against muscle, and the victory of the finish line are all things we share and in that commonality there is peace, the peace of understanding. So while my non-running friends and co-workers shake their heads and wonder how...or why I torture myself, I can always find solace in the blogs of my fellow runners.

The only book you need to read...

I Thought It Was Just Me: Women Reclaiming Power and Courage in a Culture of Shame
I've spent the last few months with my nose buried in books. Primarily this book I Thought It Was Just Me by Dr. Brene Brown. I was an amazing read! It took me forever to get through I'd read a couple of pages and then have to put it in the freezer. (Friends reference) Well, ok so I didn't really put it in the freezer. But, I did have to stop reading, put the book down and really think. I figured out so much about how I am and why I do things. I felt like my brain was about to bust outta my head....in a good way. I never thought that a book could be so life changing! I encourage anyone who feels like they are struggling with their emotions to read this book and I bet you'll find some of your answers here. If you like to know more about Dr. Brene Brown you can find her website here http://www.ordinarycourage.com/

A new year...

another year...another attempt at health and fitness. Last year was filled more with emotional growth than physical fitness. I questioned myself and the reasons why I felt so driven and why I was so hard on myself all the time. Those questions led me to the book If You Had Controlling Parents: How to Make Peace with Your Past and Take Your Place in the World

I read this book and found it to be very revealing for me. I have a very critical and nasty internalized parent. That voice in my head is why I can never find peace in anything I do. Why a run is never fast enough or far enough, why I never can stick to anything, why I'll never amount to anything. That internalized parent is the result of growing up emotionally abused. Growing up, my family was not loving, love... if it existed at all came in the form of doing. I quickly learned that if I did well enough, got good enough grades, kept my room clean enough... I might find favor with my Dad. Not in the form of hugs or quality time, but more in the way of indifference or an underneath the breath affirmation. Which was better that the yells, cutting comments and insults I got the rest of the time. I spent a good portion of my adult life minimizing this abuse. I'd say to myself I deserved it, I wasn't working hard enough, doing good enough. I didn't feel it was abuse, he rarely hit me...it was only words or no words at all. My father was good at not talking at all (for days) if he was mad at you.
But the sad fact is words hurt. They can be very damaging. It varies too, from child to child. You can say you're stupid to one child and they shrug it off, another child is scarred for life. I am that latter child. I'm the sensitive, emotional, tender hearted being and his words would cut me to the bone.
My goal this year is to heal and just BE. This year I'm going to try to recognize that internalized parent's voice and NOT LISTEN to it. I'm going to trace those negative thoughts and take care of them, rather than let them control me. I'm going to try to figure out what is really me and what parts of me are some weird result of abuse. HEALTHY inside and out...that is my goal.
I started this with my run today. I got on the treadmill, it's been awhile since I was on it, and I worked on my thoughts....staying focused on me. It was work, I would think faster, faster, and then...slow the treadmill down instead...going in direct violation to the voice in my head. I almost think it needs to be this way. A fictitious fight inside my head between me and that internalized parent. The prize being control of me. I need to start rebelling against that voice in my head.
So I'm not judging myself, today I moved 2 miles, it wasn't fast but I did something and that is good enough.

It's all in your head...

When I'm feeling less than, feeling hopeless, I usually look up quotes from great people. People who I feel have (or had) great knowledge. I know I don't have it all figured out...in fact I don't think I have anything figured out...lol. Kudos to those who believe they do, for your sake I hope your right! For myself, I'll go with Socrates..."The only true wisdom is in knowing you know nothing." So aside from Quoting Socrates...I'm reading quotes from an actor I like...



Bruce Lee, I loved his son Brandon too! R.I.P.

The thing that stealing my confidence is mainly a woman thing. The monthly annoyance has come to visit me, it's filled me with cramps and taken my desire to run. The lack of running has planted seeds of doubt in my mind. The race grows closer every day and a missed day of running feels like it puts me so much further behind.

“If you think a thing is impossible, you'll make it impossible.” ~ Bruce Lee

I'm trying to keep a positive perspective, for myself and my hubby. He's struggling with his emotions as well. The fears of ...it's too far, too hard, I won't make it. Loom around us. They are just fears, not reality. Our reality hasn't been written yet...we make it everyday. Each day that we wake up and run puts us that much closer to our goal of completing the race. I'm not letting fear make me give up on my goals. I plan to have a solid run tomorrow. It may or may not be great run, since I don't feel my best. But I plan on getting out there and moving anyway!

“The possession of anything begins in the mind” ~ Bruce Lee

another great Bruce Lee quote which goes well with this article!
Become a better runner in your sleep! A real good read on the power of confidence and believing you can do something.

Challenge..and Fear

Well I've stepped out into a scary new venture...at least for me. I joined Bindu's 21.5.800 challenge. This is scary for me and I'm not even sure why really. The challenge is 21 days of practicing yoga five days a week and writing at least 800 words a day. I've been getting into yoga as of late, and I also write letters, poems, comments in forums, and in this blog quite often. So, I'm not sure why this venture seems so scary to me...but it does, and fear is something that I've avoided all my life. I have a very small box that I live in, metaphorically speaking, due to my avoidance of fear. Being a stay at home mom a few years back started me down a path of Anthropophobia- Fear of people or society. I hate meeting new people...and social situations, parties, and get togethers...unless I know everyone that will be there. Sad, really sad. I guess I should clarify Hate... I get nervous to the point of shaking, feeling ill, cold sweats dizziness. I even experience this in leaving a comment in a forum or on a blog from time to time. Why, I don't know... Fear? fear of being made fun of, appearing stupid, being judged...maybe all of the above. What ever, Why ever...I don't like it. I have very few friends because of it... it's hard for me to open up and let down my guard. I think people sense this about me too. Maybe they wonder if they are doing something wrong...or offending me somehow. That's never the case. I'm actually a very easy going, silly goofball to those that know me...and that goof inside really wants to escape and be known. This year has really been a turning point for me. I've really been taking a hard look at me. I realized that the basis for a lot of the things I do is fear. For example, I have the chance to go to Virginia Beach the end of this month, my sis-in-law...I'll use nick-names (BaBa) is driving down there to visit my other sis-in-law (Meju). So I have a very cheap ride out there, just help with gas, and it's sandy beaches galore...woohoo...so what could be bad about that? Getting home, that's what! Baba is going to stay out there for 2 weeks, I cannot stay out there that long I can only have a handful of days and then I have to come back...finances and my job require me to come back. So I'll have to fly back. We can squeeze out the money for a plane ticket so that shouldn't be a problem. The only problem is me. I'll be alone, flying back, on a plane with lots of strangers, going to an airport with lots of strangers. Sitting next to people I don't know. Someone might talk to me, OMG what then. This whole plane thing is FREAKING me out. Almost enough for me to just say forget it. But, I could really use the vacation...chilling with my girls on the beach sounds FAB. I don't want FEAR to make me miss out on something that could be so rejuvenation for my soul! SO, in the true spirit of change...I'm going. I've requested the time off of work. They have -not officially, yet- okayed the time off. I've told people. I've worked into the budget, I've shopped for my dreaded plane ticket. Not one but two stops coz it's cheaper...more anxiety though. FEAR or no Fear...I'm doing this...I need too. Fear can't run my life forever. When I'm on my death bed I don't wanna look back and think about all the things I should have done. What a waste. This life is too short for me to waste it all on stupid fear. I'm not sure how this will go, but I do know...when it's all said and done...I'm sure I will have much to tell...lol.
Wow, that was quite the tangent...lol. I knew that the trip has been on my mind but I didn't realize I needed to write a book about it...lol. I guess maybe 800 words won't be so hard after all.

In case you were wondering...that was 721...lol. This plus the letter I just wrote Meju is definitely over 800.

Nothing more than feelings...

Well as you may have noticed..me and running haven't been getting along so well. Actually movement in general has been quite a core. I dunno what's happened to me, I'm burnt out I guess. It all just seems so hard...everything. :>/ Am I depressed or something? I don't think so I don't feel sad...more like uninspired. I haven't seen much in the way of weight loss...but that I suppose should be expected since I haven't been running...like at all.

Ya ever feel like your one kind of person on the inside you have thoughts and ideas about how you really are...but then try as you might you succumb to all your bad habits and wind up being this totally other person that you don't even really recognize...that's kinda where I'm at right now. On the inside I feel like I should be this, glowing, fit, yoga posing, ultra runner who eats clean organic food and feels fabulously zen all day long.

But on the outside people see me as an overweight, 30something mom, who as an obsession with reading health books and mags so that she can NEVER APPLY IT TO HER OWN LIFE. What good is all the knowledge if I never apply it. I have read countless books on healthy eating and nutrition...Most women my age are heading to the bookstore to buy fiction romance novels. You won't find me in that section, pretty much ever. I'm always elbows deep in a dozen different non-fiction self help books, mostly on healthy eating, well being, or exercise. I have to admit that I feel weird sometimes even standing in that section of the bookstore or library. Coz I hide the fact that I'm fat and have problems so well...lol. Standing in the self help section says I'm lost...taking 3 or 4 books with you says....I'm hopeless!! I guess maybe I feel like I can think or read my way to being fit. But, it hasn't worked so far.

I have a million excuses, for the world and for myself. I don't have time, I'm not talented at running some people are born to be runners...I'm not one of them. I even pull out the ole well it's just that I'm working so much... I have been working 56 hour weeks. But I've done that and ran as well. All those things are just cop-outs. But there is something definitely in the way of me morphing into the person that I feel like I am inside. I just, for the life of me, don't know what that thing is.

I'm a big fan of Biggest Loser and with every person it seems that they come to this point where they break down and cry, sometimes yell...and then they have this big epiphany and everything changes then all of a sudden they have drive and confidence. You can see it in their faces, there is focus there instead of defeat. I want that for myself. I catch a little bit of it from time to time...but it isn't lasting. I just don't know how to make it stick.