another year...another attempt at health and fitness. Last year was filled more with emotional growth than physical fitness. I questioned myself and the reasons why I felt so driven and why I was so hard on myself all the time. Those questions led me to the book If You Had Controlling Parents: How to Make Peace with Your Past and Take Your Place in the World
I read this book and found it to be very revealing for me. I have a very critical and nasty internalized parent. That voice in my head is why I can never find peace in anything I do. Why a run is never fast enough or far enough, why I never can stick to anything, why I'll never amount to anything. That internalized parent is the result of growing up emotionally abused. Growing up, my family was not loving, love... if it existed at all came in the form of doing. I quickly learned that if I did well enough, got good enough grades, kept my room clean enough... I might find favor with my Dad. Not in the form of hugs or quality time, but more in the way of indifference or an underneath the breath affirmation. Which was better that the yells, cutting comments and insults I got the rest of the time. I spent a good portion of my adult life minimizing this abuse. I'd say to myself I deserved it, I wasn't working hard enough, doing good enough. I didn't feel it was abuse, he rarely hit me...it was only words or no words at all. My father was good at not talking at all (for days) if he was mad at you.
But the sad fact is words hurt. They can be very damaging. It varies too, from child to child. You can say you're stupid to one child and they shrug it off, another child is scarred for life. I am that latter child. I'm the sensitive, emotional, tender hearted being and his words would cut me to the bone.
My goal this year is to heal and just BE. This year I'm going to try to recognize that internalized parent's voice and NOT LISTEN to it. I'm going to trace those negative thoughts and take care of them, rather than let them control me. I'm going to try to figure out what is really me and what parts of me are some weird result of abuse. HEALTHY inside and out...that is my goal.
I started this with my run today. I got on the treadmill, it's been awhile since I was on it, and I worked on my thoughts....staying focused on me. It was work, I would think faster, faster, and then...slow the treadmill down instead...going in direct violation to the voice in my head. I almost think it needs to be this way. A fictitious fight inside my head between me and that internalized parent. The prize being control of me. I need to start rebelling against that voice in my head.
So I'm not judging myself, today I moved 2 miles, it wasn't fast but I did something and that is good enough.