Wednesday, May 12, 2010

Nothing more than feelings...

Well as you may have and running haven't been getting along so well. Actually movement in general has been quite a core. I dunno what's happened to me, I'm burnt out I guess. It all just seems so hard...everything. :>/ Am I depressed or something? I don't think so I don't feel sad...more like uninspired. I haven't seen much in the way of weight loss...but that I suppose should be expected since I haven't been at all.

Ya ever feel like your one kind of person on the inside you have thoughts and ideas about how you really are...but then try as you might you succumb to all your bad habits and wind up being this totally other person that you don't even really recognize...that's kinda where I'm at right now. On the inside I feel like I should be this, glowing, fit, yoga posing, ultra runner who eats clean organic food and feels fabulously zen all day long.

But on the outside people see me as an overweight, 30something mom, who as an obsession with reading health books and mags so that she can NEVER APPLY IT TO HER OWN LIFE. What good is all the knowledge if I never apply it. I have read countless books on healthy eating and nutrition...Most women my age are heading to the bookstore to buy fiction romance novels. You won't find me in that section, pretty much ever. I'm always elbows deep in a dozen different non-fiction self help books, mostly on healthy eating, well being, or exercise. I have to admit that I feel weird sometimes even standing in that section of the bookstore or library. Coz I hide the fact that I'm fat and have problems so Standing in the self help section says I'm lost...taking 3 or 4 books with you says....I'm hopeless!! I guess maybe I feel like I can think or read my way to being fit. But, it hasn't worked so far.

I have a million excuses, for the world and for myself. I don't have time, I'm not talented at running some people are born to be runners...I'm not one of them. I even pull out the ole well it's just that I'm working so much... I have been working 56 hour weeks. But I've done that and ran as well. All those things are just cop-outs. But there is something definitely in the way of me morphing into the person that I feel like I am inside. I just, for the life of me, don't know what that thing is.

I'm a big fan of Biggest Loser and with every person it seems that they come to this point where they break down and cry, sometimes yell...and then they have this big epiphany and everything changes then all of a sudden they have drive and confidence. You can see it in their faces, there is focus there instead of defeat. I want that for myself. I catch a little bit of it from time to time...but it isn't lasting. I just don't know how to make it stick.

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