Tuesday, June 8, 2010

Challenge..and Fear

Well I've stepped out into a scary new venture...at least for me. I joined Bindu's 21.5.800 challenge. This is scary for me and I'm not even sure why really. The challenge is 21 days of practicing yoga five days a week and writing at least 800 words a day. I've been getting into yoga as of late, and I also write letters, poems, comments in forums, and in this blog quite often. So, I'm not sure why this venture seems so scary to me...but it does, and fear is something that I've avoided all my life. I have a very small box that I live in, metaphorically speaking, due to my avoidance of fear. Being a stay at home mom a few years back started me down a path of Anthropophobia- Fear of people or society. I hate meeting new people...and social situations, parties, and get togethers...unless I know everyone that will be there. Sad, really sad. I guess I should clarify Hate... I get nervous to the point of shaking, feeling ill, cold sweats dizziness. I even experience this in leaving a comment in a forum or on a blog from time to time. Why, I don't know... Fear? fear of being made fun of, appearing stupid, being judged...maybe all of the above. What ever, Why ever...I don't like it. I have very few friends because of it... it's hard for me to open up and let down my guard. I think people sense this about me too. Maybe they wonder if they are doing something wrong...or offending me somehow. That's never the case. I'm actually a very easy going, silly goofball to those that know me...and that goof inside really wants to escape and be known. This year has really been a turning point for me. I've really been taking a hard look at me. I realized that the basis for a lot of the things I do is fear. For example, I have the chance to go to Virginia Beach the end of this month, my sis-in-law...I'll use nick-names (BaBa) is driving down there to visit my other sis-in-law (Meju). So I have a very cheap ride out there, just help with gas, and it's sandy beaches galore...woohoo...so what could be bad about that? Getting home, that's what! Baba is going to stay out there for 2 weeks, I cannot stay out there that long I can only have a handful of days and then I have to come back...finances and my job require me to come back. So I'll have to fly back. We can squeeze out the money for a plane ticket so that shouldn't be a problem. The only problem is me. I'll be alone, flying back, on a plane with lots of strangers, going to an airport with lots of strangers. Sitting next to people I don't know. Someone might talk to me, OMG what then. This whole plane thing is FREAKING me out. Almost enough for me to just say forget it. But, I could really use the vacation...chilling with my girls on the beach sounds FAB. I don't want FEAR to make me miss out on something that could be so rejuvenation for my soul! SO, in the true spirit of change...I'm going. I've requested the time off of work. They have -not officially, yet- okayed the time off. I've told people. I've worked into the budget, I've shopped for my dreaded plane ticket. Not one but two stops coz it's cheaper...more anxiety though. FEAR or no Fear...I'm doing this...I need too. Fear can't run my life forever. When I'm on my death bed I don't wanna look back and think about all the things I should have done. What a waste. This life is too short for me to waste it all on stupid fear. I'm not sure how this will go, but I do know...when it's all said and done...I'm sure I will have much to tell...lol.
Wow, that was quite the tangent...lol. I knew that the trip has been on my mind but I didn't realize I needed to write a book about it...lol. I guess maybe 800 words won't be so hard after all.

In case you were wondering...that was 721...lol. This plus the letter I just wrote Meju is definitely over 800.

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