Friday, June 18, 2010
Open, shapeless, ebb and flow...
My yoga, the book I'm currently reading, and recent life events are causing me to investigate myself in new and foreign ways. Opening me up to the concept of non-control. I'm not sure but I think I could be, or have been, a control Nazi. If my life were just blah, and my kids were just blah, and my house was just blah, etc,etc,etc....then I could be happy. The only part missing is the part where I ACTUALLY LIVE!! I've spent so much energy on making things "a certain way" that I forgot that the true beauty in life is the element of unexpectedness. The flower that blooms in the most unlikely place.
Hubby and I have been dealing with a lot of relationship things the past couple years. We still love each other very deeply but, we've come to realize that neither of us is very healthy, mentally speaking. He is a binge eater and I'm filled with fear...of what I'm not yet certain. His issues, are my issues. When he's doing bad, I feel helpless and then I fail as well. I gain weight, I stop moving, I get depressed. I can't control him...can't make him stop. I feel like I can only stand by and watch him chow his way to an early grave. For reasons he can't tell me, coz he doesn't know himself.
The 21.5.800 project has been bringing this topic to the forefront. I think I've been wanting to talk about it for awhile now but it's hard. Addictions are not easy things to talk about. They are self-inflicted and hearing about them you think the person is weak and they should just stop it. I can tell you, when I look into hubby's eyes, he has all the desire in the world to stop. He is good for a time and then...things fall apart. When he's deep in a cycle I swear his soul grows dark, there is a dense and choking gloom about him that seems to draw the very life out of you. He is tortured by this affliction and I feel cannot help him. When he's bad, I have to hide money from him, he will take it and spend it on fast food, burgers, pizzas, you name it. He'll eat in the car to hide how much he eats, he'll eat and night to hide as well. I feel I am getting caregivers syndrome. But, he needs me, I keep him trying at least. I shudder to think what would happen to him if I died or something.
That is why it hard taking time off to go to Virginia Beach. But, I really need the escape. The beach has always been my sanctuary. When I'm there..all stress seems to melt off from me. Like it's being washed away by the waves. I grew up on a lake so water has been a part of my earliest memories, I have always loved it. My mom often tells a story of me as a toddler and my obsession with water. She had to watch me closely because if you took your eyes off me for a second I'd be neck deep in that water, I had no fear. I'm not sure why me and water are such great friends but it is at times the only thing that can bring me peace.
Lying in savasana, and some simple healing yoga is all I have been doing. My body is tight and twisted. Yoga opens my senses up to observe how painfully stressed I really am. Letting go is hard, clearing my mind is hard. Even making time for me is hard. Worst of all relaxing is nearly impossible. It frustrates me and infuriates me and at times makes me want to cry. This process is slow and arduous but it is my sincere hope that by the end of this year, some permanent changes will have taken place...for the better this time.
You know, I wonder if my control Nazi-ism comes from the desire to conceal hubby's secret, and my own codependent behavior. If I can keep things a certain way...we won't appear so screwed up. People won't know, family won't know, kids won't know how far the rabbit hole goes...maybe I won't know...then I won't have to deal with it until it smacks me in the face. Maybe it isn't a control at all but rather and unwillingness to accept. Hubby has sought counseling and OA. I'm skeptical and really I guess unwilling to hope for better. I'm afraid that hope will only betray me. I don't share these things with hubby, he needs my devoted support, it's hard for him to admit he needs help and support...this is big for him.
In the midst of all this is everyday life and stresses, which I have assumed the bulk of, to allow him time to heal and work on himself. This all added to my already stressed out self. But, I feel like if I can just shoulder it long enough...it could all pay off in a big way. Quite the gamble huh?