it's not me...it's you.

As part of a writing project I'm participating in, graciously hosted by http://binduwiles.com/ , I have decided to: "Write a letter to what is making you sad."
I chose FEAR because I feel it is the root of my inner turmoil. So, without further adieu, here is my letter. Enjoy.



Dear Mr. Irrational Fear,
Pack your crap and get the hell out, that's right, we are through. Look, I know you said you were just protecting me. I know you want me to be safe. But, your a control freak and I'm done with this abusive relationship. We've been together a long time now and in the beginning it was nice to hide behind you. When something came along that threatened to push me out of my comfort zone...you said no, and helped keep me calm. I thought that was what I needed. But, as the years progressed, your grip got tighter and you got down right mean. Friends would ask me out for drinks or to a movie and you'd tell me, "no, you can't go." You tell me crazy things like, "you'll just look stupid." or " you'll humiliate yourself." You grew increasingly paranoid everyday. To the point where you wouldn't even let me go out for groceries without implying that something horrible would happen if I did. You won't let me try new things, you just tell me, "Your are such a F%^k up you never do anything right". You shoot down my confidence before I even try. Don't act like you don't know what I'm talking about...remember the painting I wanted to try. I went shopping for the paints and canvas...but you wouldn't let me buy them. You told me it would be a waste of time and money becuase I have no talent. You told me it was frivilous and childish and I gave up that dream because of you. Oh, and even earlier this year, when I was doing the couch 2 5K program, you just couldn't stand that fact that it was starting to give me confidence so you verbally abused me until I quit. You call yourself my friend, my ally, but your actions speak louder that words. You are no friend of mine! My real friends have quit calling to ask me out becuase they hate you and they know you won't let me do anything. You try to twist that arround on me too, telling me that they hate me because I'm fat and stupid. But, I see it clearly now, it's never been about me. It's been you, all the time, and now I hate you too. When I think of all the wasted years I spent on you, the number of times that you made me cry...or made me feel inferior, oh, it's just a damn shame! I'm not innocent though, I let you do this to me. I should have known. I should have realized how controling and paranoid you were becoming. But, I believed your lies. I made your delusion my truth. Living under your control has made me miserable, alone and afraid. I feel like a prisoner and I have had enough! That's why I have to say we are through. I don't need you or your "protection" anymore. I want to live...I want to be free! I want to feel good about myself again. I can't do that with you around. I'm sorry Mr. Fear but, I hate you and I never wanna see you again.
~Kat