"hope springs eternal..."

So my current plan for weight loss and overall health is to eat 1500 or less calories a day...and some sort of movement. Today was a good day. I ate about 1200 calories and ran for 15 minutes. I'm not judging that short interval... I moved, that's what counts. I'm feeling good, more positive and at peace with my diet and exercise lifestyle. My current plan is to move every day. To do some sort of exercise, Running, walking, stability ball, yoga, just something, even if it's just 1 sit-up. For now I'm not even going to put time or quantity limits on my exercise, no judgment. I just wanna get into the habit of doing something everyday. I can worry about numbers later.

21 days to make a habit...day one down!

A new year...

another year...another attempt at health and fitness. Last year was filled more with emotional growth than physical fitness. I questioned myself and the reasons why I felt so driven and why I was so hard on myself all the time. Those questions led me to the book If You Had Controlling Parents: How to Make Peace with Your Past and Take Your Place in the World

I read this book and found it to be very revealing for me. I have a very critical and nasty internalized parent. That voice in my head is why I can never find peace in anything I do. Why a run is never fast enough or far enough, why I never can stick to anything, why I'll never amount to anything. That internalized parent is the result of growing up emotionally abused. Growing up, my family was not loving, love... if it existed at all came in the form of doing. I quickly learned that if I did well enough, got good enough grades, kept my room clean enough... I might find favor with my Dad. Not in the form of hugs or quality time, but more in the way of indifference or an underneath the breath affirmation. Which was better that the yells, cutting comments and insults I got the rest of the time. I spent a good portion of my adult life minimizing this abuse. I'd say to myself I deserved it, I wasn't working hard enough, doing good enough. I didn't feel it was abuse, he rarely hit me...it was only words or no words at all. My father was good at not talking at all (for days) if he was mad at you.
But the sad fact is words hurt. They can be very damaging. It varies too, from child to child. You can say you're stupid to one child and they shrug it off, another child is scarred for life. I am that latter child. I'm the sensitive, emotional, tender hearted being and his words would cut me to the bone.
My goal this year is to heal and just BE. This year I'm going to try to recognize that internalized parent's voice and NOT LISTEN to it. I'm going to trace those negative thoughts and take care of them, rather than let them control me. I'm going to try to figure out what is really me and what parts of me are some weird result of abuse. HEALTHY inside and out...that is my goal.
I started this with my run today. I got on the treadmill, it's been awhile since I was on it, and I worked on my thoughts....staying focused on me. It was work, I would think faster, faster, and then...slow the treadmill down instead...going in direct violation to the voice in my head. I almost think it needs to be this way. A fictitious fight inside my head between me and that internalized parent. The prize being control of me. I need to start rebelling against that voice in my head.
So I'm not judging myself, today I moved 2 miles, it wasn't fast but I did something and that is good enough.

Too Humid!!!

I haven't run in about a week. It's just too HUMID, ugh. The air here in Michigan is so thick with moisture that you can hardly breath and it's that way all the time...morning and night! It's been about a week and a half straight of EVIL humidity, like 97%, crazy. I don't have air conditioning at my house so there is no relief. Well there is air at work so I get relief when I'm there...and in my car.
Since I've been sweating bullets for the past few days, I've been drinking lots of water. Ever notice how much you pee when you drink lots of water. I feel like getting some Depends er something...lol.
On the pulse side though...we've been using practically zero natural gas. Taking COLD showers, not using the dryer as much. Only thing that is getting heat is water for the dish washer. That should be nice on the ole pocket book.
how bout you guys, what are you doing to stay cool?

It's all in your head...

When I'm feeling less than, feeling hopeless, I usually look up quotes from great people. People who I feel have (or had) great knowledge. I know I don't have it all figured out...in fact I don't think I have anything figured out...lol. Kudos to those who believe they do, for your sake I hope your right! For myself, I'll go with Socrates..."The only true wisdom is in knowing you know nothing." So aside from Quoting Socrates...I'm reading quotes from an actor I like...



Bruce Lee, I loved his son Brandon too! R.I.P.

The thing that stealing my confidence is mainly a woman thing. The monthly annoyance has come to visit me, it's filled me with cramps and taken my desire to run. The lack of running has planted seeds of doubt in my mind. The race grows closer every day and a missed day of running feels like it puts me so much further behind.

“If you think a thing is impossible, you'll make it impossible.” ~ Bruce Lee

I'm trying to keep a positive perspective, for myself and my hubby. He's struggling with his emotions as well. The fears of ...it's too far, too hard, I won't make it. Loom around us. They are just fears, not reality. Our reality hasn't been written yet...we make it everyday. Each day that we wake up and run puts us that much closer to our goal of completing the race. I'm not letting fear make me give up on my goals. I plan to have a solid run tomorrow. It may or may not be great run, since I don't feel my best. But I plan on getting out there and moving anyway!

“The possession of anything begins in the mind” ~ Bruce Lee

another great Bruce Lee quote which goes well with this article!
Become a better runner in your sleep! A real good read on the power of confidence and believing you can do something.

The problem with Trying...

try (tr)
1. To make an effort to do or accomplish (something); attempt:

Trying implies that failure is an option, that a half hearted attempt at an unrealistic goal, ending in failure is acceptable and grounds to give up and never "try" again.

I've tried dieting, I've tried following a race training program, I've tried really hard at a number of things, and you know what...I think I "try" too hard.

I was thinking about this as I was running this morning. The plan was to run 4 miles, which I did. I wanted to try to beat my pace from my last run. I'm always thinking like that, more, faster, better, stronger. I rarely appreciate the now, I'm always looking to the future. So, I set my goals and started running, by the time I had completed the 4 miles I was beat and uncertain if I should be happy or not. The run felt slow and I seemed to take too many walking breaks. Dark thoughts and doubts loomed in my mind.... I'm so unhealthy... I'm so slow...I'll never get any better. Once I hooked the ipod up to the computer to compare my times, I realized that this had actually been one of my faster runs and something to be proud over...not depressed by. That's the problem with me and trying...

1. I set unattainable goals
2. Attempting to achieve the goal is Uncomfortable/ Dissatisfying
3. I feel weak and inadequate
4. That lowers my confidence
5. I become defeated and quit.

It's the same pattern every time, apply this pattern to my diet now.

1. I set an unrealistic weight loss goal
2. Attempting to achieve the goal is Uncomfortable/ Dissatisfying
3. I feel weak and inadequate
4. That lowers my confidence
5. I become defeated and quit.


That pattern is really destructive, and is probably the reason why I have gained and lost the same 50 pounds over and over again. Today I noticed this my running, as I thought of ChiRunning and maintaining good form, my running seemed more natural and unforced, whereas, when my mind wandered back to personal bests and good pace times I became more and more...stressed, my shoulders tightened, my elbows clenched, my hands became fists, I got tired and had to walk. It was a vicious cycle but a great metaphor for trying too hard.
When I try hard, I'm unhappy. When I'm unhappy, I eat. I'll never achieve lasting weight loss or true healthiness by living under these extremes. I've got to learn to relax and take what comes naturally. That isn't to say that I should be lazy, but there is a BIG difference between putting solid effort into something, and being masochistic.

"Do, or do not. There is no try." ~Yoda

I really felt like a knuckle dragger today

It was Hot and HUMID today.
My run required MAXIMUM effort.

Today was a hard 3.2 mile run. Not only was it hot and humid, but I think I've got some running issues. I think my form is bad, specifically my upper body. I think, well I'm pretty sure, that I carry my arms too close to me and lock my elbows...I also think my back ends up hunched over from all the tension in my arms. I may have to take some running form pics/video to see what I'm doing. All I know for sure is after I run my neck and shoulders feel tired and worn out. I must be doing something that isn't quiet right. But, despite the heat and my running form I still got a good 3.2 miles done, so I'm pretty proud of that!

Hubby ran today too, did 2.5 miles. He said he walked most of it and he didn't feel like he could call it running. I told him lots of runners walk, there is no walking police, no rules that say you can't walk from time to time...lol. He's very nervous about training for this 5K. He says he can't imagine himself looking or feeling any different than he does today. It does seem that way. I kinda feel the same thing about my 10 mile run. It's hard to imagine my body just going and going like that. But, logically I know with time and persistence it will happen...least something will happen. either I'll get faster or fall flat on my face...lol...either way I'm moving forward!

Today's Run Stats:

Distance: 3.20 miles
Time: 45:21
Pace: 14:10

"The world ain't all sunshine and rainbows. It's a very mean and nasty place and I don't care how tough you are it will beat you to your knees and keep you there permanently if you let it. You, me, or nobody is gonna hit as hard as life. But it ain't about how hard ya hit. It's about how hard you can get it and keep moving forward. How much you can take and keep moving forward. That's how winning is done! " ~ Rocky Balboa

The runner and the pea stone

This morning I decided to run outside, for one...it was finally not a bazillion degrees out! and for two, I need to get used to running outside again. So off I went looking at the sky, looked a bit dark and ominous... it was threatening to rain me out. But, I took off anyway.
For the first half mile I was feeling kinda woozy...ughhhh, barf.
No, I didn't barf, but the forward motion of my running was affecting me this morning and not in a stomach friendly way. I kept going and after about the first half mile I was feeling great. I trotted along, impressed by my stamina, one mile down...no problem. Passed a jogger who was heading the other way, gave a big smile and a little wave then continued on my merry way. Another half mile done...this was easy. Then came the HILLS.
At pretty much the start of mile 2 and stretching for the next mile is a VERY HILLY road. I started the first incline...very small probably 2% but I could feel it, "keep going, keep going, just to the mailbox, I can make it that far, I'm getting there, I have more, just a little more, to the fire hydrant, I can do it...now it's down hill, I can run it..." I kept going. When I got to the bottom of that hill I could feel my legs growing weaker. Ugh, and I had a stone in my shoe too,crap. I couldn't stop to mess with that, so I slowed down and tried to tap my toe on the cement, trying to send the rock into the toe of my shoe. Sort of reminds me of the story the princess and the pea..lol....the runner and the pea stone...a cautionary tale...lol. I struggled along. Part way into my journey up the hill a car pulled out...I had to stop.
My legs were screaming at me, so I walked at a quick pace up the hill to the top. It was downhill now so I figured, I had to run again and I picked up the pace. That section is a VERY gradual down hill slope which ends in a curve. I jogged down the hill and thought, "I'll go to the curve the I can walk for a bit", no such luck. At the bottom of the curve there is a house, and in the driveway stood a guy watching his dog wander around the front yard, I assumed he was bored to tears waiting for the dog to pee. He heard me coming and looked up. "Well, jeez, I can't stop and walk now", I thought, so I kept on running. Down, down, down the road til it curved again and I was safely out of sight..lol.. isn't it funny the mind games we play with ourselves. Once I was out of sight, I slowed to a walk to catch my breath and cursed the pea stone in my shoe. I got to the stop sign and realized I was almost done...less the half a mile left, yeay.
Then I looked at the hill ahead of me. It is definitely the steepest hill in our area. It's not very long at all, so I started up it...nope, not happening, my legs were mush, so I walked, staring at the ground concentrating, step one, step two... finally to the top...the end of my run was a nice gradual slope down to my house. That part was nice, I even mustered up enough energy to run up my driveway...which is another somewhat steep, very short hill...lol. I'm very glad that I ran outside today! It was a great day for it! Even though I had to run over half of it with a pesky stone in my shoe...lol.

Official Stats:
Distance: 3.12 miles
Time: 44:23
Pace: 14'13"