it's not me...it's you.

As part of a writing project I'm participating in, graciously hosted by http://binduwiles.com/ , I have decided to: "Write a letter to what is making you sad."
I chose FEAR because I feel it is the root of my inner turmoil. So, without further adieu, here is my letter. Enjoy.



Dear Mr. Irrational Fear,
Pack your crap and get the hell out, that's right, we are through. Look, I know you said you were just protecting me. I know you want me to be safe. But, your a control freak and I'm done with this abusive relationship. We've been together a long time now and in the beginning it was nice to hide behind you. When something came along that threatened to push me out of my comfort zone...you said no, and helped keep me calm. I thought that was what I needed. But, as the years progressed, your grip got tighter and you got down right mean. Friends would ask me out for drinks or to a movie and you'd tell me, "no, you can't go." You tell me crazy things like, "you'll just look stupid." or " you'll humiliate yourself." You grew increasingly paranoid everyday. To the point where you wouldn't even let me go out for groceries without implying that something horrible would happen if I did. You won't let me try new things, you just tell me, "Your are such a F%^k up you never do anything right". You shoot down my confidence before I even try. Don't act like you don't know what I'm talking about...remember the painting I wanted to try. I went shopping for the paints and canvas...but you wouldn't let me buy them. You told me it would be a waste of time and money becuase I have no talent. You told me it was frivilous and childish and I gave up that dream because of you. Oh, and even earlier this year, when I was doing the couch 2 5K program, you just couldn't stand that fact that it was starting to give me confidence so you verbally abused me until I quit. You call yourself my friend, my ally, but your actions speak louder that words. You are no friend of mine! My real friends have quit calling to ask me out becuase they hate you and they know you won't let me do anything. You try to twist that arround on me too, telling me that they hate me because I'm fat and stupid. But, I see it clearly now, it's never been about me. It's been you, all the time, and now I hate you too. When I think of all the wasted years I spent on you, the number of times that you made me cry...or made me feel inferior, oh, it's just a damn shame! I'm not innocent though, I let you do this to me. I should have known. I should have realized how controling and paranoid you were becoming. But, I believed your lies. I made your delusion my truth. Living under your control has made me miserable, alone and afraid. I feel like a prisoner and I have had enough! That's why I have to say we are through. I don't need you or your "protection" anymore. I want to live...I want to be free! I want to feel good about myself again. I can't do that with you around. I'm sorry Mr. Fear but, I hate you and I never wanna see you again.
~Kat

Unexpectedness...

Open, shapeless, ebb and flow...

My yoga, the book I'm currently reading, and recent life events are causing me to investigate myself in new and foreign ways. Opening me up to the concept of non-control. I'm not sure but I think I could be, or have been, a control Nazi. If my life were just blah, and my kids were just blah, and my house was just blah, etc,etc,etc....then I could be happy. The only part missing is the part where I ACTUALLY LIVE!! I've spent so much energy on making things "a certain way" that I forgot that the true beauty in life is the element of unexpectedness. The flower that blooms in the most unlikely place.

Hubby and I have been dealing with a lot of relationship things the past couple years. We still love each other very deeply but, we've come to realize that neither of us is very healthy, mentally speaking. He is a binge eater and I'm filled with fear...of what I'm not yet certain. His issues, are my issues. When he's doing bad, I feel helpless and then I fail as well. I gain weight, I stop moving, I get depressed. I can't control him...can't make him stop. I feel like I can only stand by and watch him chow his way to an early grave. For reasons he can't tell me, coz he doesn't know himself.

The 21.5.800 project has been bringing this topic to the forefront. I think I've been wanting to talk about it for awhile now but it's hard. Addictions are not easy things to talk about. They are self-inflicted and hearing about them you think the person is weak and they should just stop it. I can tell you, when I look into hubby's eyes, he has all the desire in the world to stop. He is good for a time and then...things fall apart. When he's deep in a cycle I swear his soul grows dark, there is a dense and choking gloom about him that seems to draw the very life out of you. He is tortured by this affliction and I feel cannot help him. When he's bad, I have to hide money from him, he will take it and spend it on fast food, burgers, pizzas, you name it. He'll eat in the car to hide how much he eats, he'll eat and night to hide as well. I feel I am getting caregivers syndrome. But, he needs me, I keep him trying at least. I shudder to think what would happen to him if I died or something.

That is why it hard taking time off to go to Virginia Beach. But, I really need the escape. The beach has always been my sanctuary. When I'm there..all stress seems to melt off from me. Like it's being washed away by the waves. I grew up on a lake so water has been a part of my earliest memories, I have always loved it. My mom often tells a story of me as a toddler and my obsession with water. She had to watch me closely because if you took your eyes off me for a second I'd be neck deep in that water, I had no fear. I'm not sure why me and water are such great friends but it is at times the only thing that can bring me peace.

Lying in savasana, and some simple healing yoga is all I have been doing. My body is tight and twisted. Yoga opens my senses up to observe how painfully stressed I really am. Letting go is hard, clearing my mind is hard. Even making time for me is hard. Worst of all relaxing is nearly impossible. It frustrates me and infuriates me and at times makes me want to cry. This process is slow and arduous but it is my sincere hope that by the end of this year, some permanent changes will have taken place...for the better this time.

You know, I wonder if my control Nazi-ism comes from the desire to conceal hubby's secret, and my own codependent behavior. If I can keep things a certain way...we won't appear so screwed up. People won't know, family won't know, kids won't know how far the rabbit hole goes...maybe I won't know...then I won't have to deal with it until it smacks me in the face. Maybe it isn't a control at all but rather and unwillingness to accept. Hubby has sought counseling and OA. I'm skeptical and really I guess unwilling to hope for better. I'm afraid that hope will only betray me. I don't share these things with hubby, he needs my devoted support, it's hard for him to admit he needs help and support...this is big for him.

In the midst of all this is everyday life and stresses, which I have assumed the bulk of, to allow him time to heal and work on himself. This all added to my already stressed out self. But, I feel like if I can just shoulder it long enough...it could all pay off in a big way. Quite the gamble huh?

Positively Positive Possibilities

So I'm trying to get ready for work tonight (3rd shift). I go to the cupboard to get a flavor packet for my water...Box is there...packets are all gone! Annoyed, I head to the living room to yell at kids for not only drinking all my flavor packets but also leaving the stupid box in the cupboard so I'll think we still have some. On the way to the living room, I trip over my daughters shoes which are naturally just laying right in the middle of the floor...Thank You! So I yell at the girl. Pick your shoes up and take them to your room...you don't just leave them laying about like that someone could trip over them and break their neck...is that what you want? On to the living room I go...Who drank all my flavor packets? I glance about at the sea of deer-in-the-headlights expressions, well I know it was a kid because daddy doesn't drink them and I wouldn't have put the box back empty when the trash can is 2 steps away. They are all quiet. Fine...thanks a lot guys. I finish getting ready, say bye to hubby, then I'm out the door. On the way to work, ROAD CONSTRUCTION, oh boy!! Out of the blue they decided to reduce a normal 4 lane highway down to 1 lane, on Saturday night so there is plenty of traffic....and of course there are the standard idiots that stay in the left lane until the last second, then hold up traffic as they try to butt in...HELLO...DID YOU NOT SEE THE LAST 5 GINORMOUS GLOWING ARROWS TELLING YOU TO MERGE RIGHT? No, No, that's ok...cut right in front of me that's fine, you are after all so much more important than me. JERK. Needless to say, after all that I arrived at work...LATE. I wasn't in trouble...but they did give me crap about it...the sarcastic crap...which actually helped me to feel a little better.

All that negative energy was building in me, and with each new thing the negativity grew it was like a snowball of hate. Laughing even about a small part of it helped me to breathe...and put it into perspective. Behold, the power of the mind!

That all led to thoughts on positivity. Glass half full, half empty...I think most of us have figured out where we stand on that one. I know for the biggest portion of my life I've been a half-empty person. I really wanna change that and tonight really kinda illustrated that for me. So in the slower times here at my job I've been checking out positivity. That brought me to the LIVESTRONG website. That talked alot about internal dialog. I know I have problems there. I'm very down on myself and sometimes just down right mean to myself. I think I'm weak, inconsistent, and unattractive, I'm repeatedly telling myself all the ways that I'm unacceptable. When I go out to perceive the world, I'm only looking for those things that support my view of being unacceptable. That's obvious, when you consider how lightly I take praise and how easily I can become destroyed by poorly fitting clothes, other people, or even my own reflection in a door or mirror.

So, by that logic simply changing the way I talk to myself I could start a positive change in my life. It would cause me to go out in the world and start to perceive things in a nicer way which should boost my self esteem and make me more positive.

I hesitate to call this brain washing, since that term has such a negative connotation. but this is in effect a sort of Brain-Cleansing. How I got such negative energy this evening is a mystery. But, by speaking to myself and out loud and not clearing that energy...I essentially gave it soil to grow in...you know what I mean?

So what do you think? Are you a Debbie Downer or a Suzie Sunshine?

She's got a ticket to ride...

Well I booked my flight today. Fear or no Fear I'm going to Virginia Beach! Baba and I plan to drive out there. Then after several fabulous days, I'll be flying back...all by myself. Gulp Tonight I have been researching all the ins and outs of airport security. I wanna try to get by with just my purse and 1 carry-on bag. So I'm trying to figure out what the real no-no items are.
I'm not too worried about making it on to my first flight, since I'll have my girls there to help me find my terminal and see me off. But, after that, I'll fly into Atlanta and then take a connector flight to Detroit. Once in Detroit my hubby will be there to pick me up. I'm sure it will go fine. But, I am nervous about it! Mostly about finding my way around Atlanta Airport and making it to my connector flight on time.
Since, I'm gonna be gone out to VA, that leaves hubby at home with the kiddos. He's already planing some quality time with them in the form of movies and video games...lol. I'd rather be in VA...lol.

Today's exercise consisted of a 0.75 mile walk and a 15 minute Savasana. Not much, but at least I got something in. I'm searching for the energy to re-commit to some higher impact exercise...the kind that takes some poundage off. It'd be nice if I could lose a few before my lil vacation.

Yoga Newbie... Yewbie

Booooooo....ok that was lame...lol.
I'm new to yoga though, pretty much brand new. I don't know any of the words, and only a few of the poses. I've heard of downward dog, and the cobra pose. That is about the extent of my knowledge. But, I'm excited to learn. My body is very rigid and pretty much void of any flexibility. Hopefully in the next 21 days I can change that.

Today's yoga consisted of the classic sun salutation and then a nice shavasana. That shavasana or corpse pose is relaxing but, I find that my mind wants to wander around and it's hard to keep my focus on relaxing my body and my breathing. I'm sure this will come in time. Relaxing is actually very hard for me but the thing I think I'm going to find PRICELESS about yoga is it gives me permission to unwind, relax and really stretch out my body. Almost every other activity I do leaves me tense and tight. I think this is why so many people love Yoga.

I wanna get the lingo down too so over the next 21 days I'm going to learn one word a day. I'll post it here if you wanna learn with me.

Today's Secret word is asanas, special props to anyone who got the secret word reference...loved PeeWee's Playhouse back in the day...lol.

Anywho, asanas = yoga postures. I did several asanas today.

Feeling a bit inspired....and a poem emerges.



Meditation
deep, calming, quiet.
Restless thoughts
fluttering about the mind
are dismissed.
In silence
they are irrelevant
unnecessary.
Peace descends
softly
as a warm blanket
gently cuddling the soul
swaddling and healing it
as the moments pass.
Soon the soul will emerge,
rejuvenated,
ready for the day.


With letters,work, and this blog...I think I still might be shy of 800. Oh well, tomorrow is another day!
Tomorrow's plan is to run with forgiveness... allowing my body to dictate how far and how fast I go, do some yoga, eat well, and be kind to myself. (343)

Challenge..and Fear

Well I've stepped out into a scary new venture...at least for me. I joined Bindu's 21.5.800 challenge. This is scary for me and I'm not even sure why really. The challenge is 21 days of practicing yoga five days a week and writing at least 800 words a day. I've been getting into yoga as of late, and I also write letters, poems, comments in forums, and in this blog quite often. So, I'm not sure why this venture seems so scary to me...but it does, and fear is something that I've avoided all my life. I have a very small box that I live in, metaphorically speaking, due to my avoidance of fear. Being a stay at home mom a few years back started me down a path of Anthropophobia- Fear of people or society. I hate meeting new people...and social situations, parties, and get togethers...unless I know everyone that will be there. Sad, really sad. I guess I should clarify Hate... I get nervous to the point of shaking, feeling ill, cold sweats dizziness. I even experience this in leaving a comment in a forum or on a blog from time to time. Why, I don't know... Fear? fear of being made fun of, appearing stupid, being judged...maybe all of the above. What ever, Why ever...I don't like it. I have very few friends because of it... it's hard for me to open up and let down my guard. I think people sense this about me too. Maybe they wonder if they are doing something wrong...or offending me somehow. That's never the case. I'm actually a very easy going, silly goofball to those that know me...and that goof inside really wants to escape and be known. This year has really been a turning point for me. I've really been taking a hard look at me. I realized that the basis for a lot of the things I do is fear. For example, I have the chance to go to Virginia Beach the end of this month, my sis-in-law...I'll use nick-names (BaBa) is driving down there to visit my other sis-in-law (Meju). So I have a very cheap ride out there, just help with gas, and it's sandy beaches galore...woohoo...so what could be bad about that? Getting home, that's what! Baba is going to stay out there for 2 weeks, I cannot stay out there that long I can only have a handful of days and then I have to come back...finances and my job require me to come back. So I'll have to fly back. We can squeeze out the money for a plane ticket so that shouldn't be a problem. The only problem is me. I'll be alone, flying back, on a plane with lots of strangers, going to an airport with lots of strangers. Sitting next to people I don't know. Someone might talk to me, OMG what then. This whole plane thing is FREAKING me out. Almost enough for me to just say forget it. But, I could really use the vacation...chilling with my girls on the beach sounds FAB. I don't want FEAR to make me miss out on something that could be so rejuvenation for my soul! SO, in the true spirit of change...I'm going. I've requested the time off of work. They have -not officially, yet- okayed the time off. I've told people. I've worked into the budget, I've shopped for my dreaded plane ticket. Not one but two stops coz it's cheaper...more anxiety though. FEAR or no Fear...I'm doing this...I need too. Fear can't run my life forever. When I'm on my death bed I don't wanna look back and think about all the things I should have done. What a waste. This life is too short for me to waste it all on stupid fear. I'm not sure how this will go, but I do know...when it's all said and done...I'm sure I will have much to tell...lol.
Wow, that was quite the tangent...lol. I knew that the trip has been on my mind but I didn't realize I needed to write a book about it...lol. I guess maybe 800 words won't be so hard after all.

In case you were wondering...that was 721...lol. This plus the letter I just wrote Meju is definitely over 800.

A life full of changes...

So I've been cleaning up my lifestyle a bunch, I've gone to lean, mean, raw and green. I've started a veggie garden, been switching my foods to at least all natural and totally organic when I can. I'm trying to make all the meats I get grain fed, pasture raised and hormone free. I gave up Diet Coke and bottled water, I now drink my filtered water from a stainless steel water bottle. Take that carbon footprint! This all has happened since April! now that I look at it, that's a lot of change in such a short amount of time. I'm still learning all the time.
There have been some sad casualties along the way. Like just last week I gave up my FAVORITE skin lotion.

I totally LOVED OPI's Avojuice Grapefruit Juicie skin lotion. but when I looked it up on skin deeps website... it got the worst score ever! I might as well have been rubbing radioactive sludged on my skin...probably would have been better for me...and it'd have a nice glow...terrible aren't I...lol. So since it's so bad for me...and I now know just HOW BAD it is I had to go and switch my skin lotion. Ugh, and I hate that, coz I'm very picky about my lotion... I want to put it on and be done with it... I don't wanna be all sticky and gooey for hours after application, I don't wanna feel like I need a towel to wipe my hands after applying lotion. It should soak in to my horrible dry skin. So I went to harvest Health Foods and tried a bunch of different lotions . I love the fact that they have testers right there so you can try the stuff.
Final verdict: Giovanni Hydrate Body Lotion, Cucumber Song.

That was the bottle that came home with me. At $9.79 is wasn't horrible. the bottle is decently sized and it feels luxurious to put on. It doesn't soak in as fast as the Avojuice did but, after a few minutes, like less than 5 minutes, I'm ready to go. My skin is sooooo smooth after using this lotion that my husband even noticed and said, "man, your skin is smooth all of a sudden" That to me says something. After 15 years of watching me put on skin lotion he only now notices I have soft skin...men...lol. You can order it on amazon if you don't have a local health food store. I highly recommend it.

RIP Avojuice I loved you so...but you're no good for me. Sigh