Every time there's another storm I know that it wont last
Every moment I'm filled with hope
cause i get another chance
But I will try I will try
Got nothing left to hide
I'm beautifully broken and I don't mind if you know it
I'm beautifully broken and I don't care if I show it.
Beautifully Broken by Ashlee Simpson
So today I went shopping, should have ran my scheduled 3 miles, but I went shopping instead. Things were going great until I stopped by Dick's Sporting Goods to look at running shorts...
At this point I should mention, I don't own a full length mirror. I also should mention that the Vegan diet seems to make you feel amazing and energetic. So I haven't even thought about my body image in several weeks. I've just been running and eating and living life. I know from my clothes that I've been losing weight but I haven't stepped on a scale in a few weeks...I get number crazy. So I have vowed to stay away from the scale until July 1st. all that said...
I walked over to the running shorts feeling like Ms.Thang. I knew I wanted/needed compression shorts for my thigh-flab issues. But I also wanted to get some shorts. then I saw them, shorts with built in compression shorts. How cool. I'm trying them on!
XL? L ? I have been losing weight I'll try them both. And with that I skipped off to the fitting room. Beaming with confidence I grabbed the L first. and put them on, slid them right on! Hell Yeah I knew it! Go Vegan! Go Vegan! Yeah. Then I looked into the mirror... and the party was over. Staring into the mirror I saw my legs. The legs I feel so proud of, the legs that run 9 miles....but, what I felt, and what I saw were not the same thing.
In my head my legs were awesome, powerful, beautiful. But when I looked in the mirror, they were old, and fat. The compression shorts ended in a tender part of my inner thigh and cut in just a bit, enough to really showcase the lovely thigh cheese I was growing there. My mood sunk. I wasn't a runner, I wasn't fit and healthy. I was old, fat, used up, worthless. A fool to believe that true change was possible. I tried on the XL and it was bigger, but the issue was the same. I am a size L and I should be happy about that...but I wasn't. I gathered everything and went back out into the store. Hubby was a bit stunned by my quick mood change, but he caught on to what was going on. I told him I was ready to leave, I wanted out of the store.
An old saga was trying to play itself out again. The words spilled into my brain like the lines of a well rehearsed play. "Not good enough", "Give Up", "Failure". These are all the lines my Internalized Parent/Super Ego likes to feed me. The next step in the play would be the appearance of my Id/Child which would mean crying, eating bad food and feeling depressed...sometimes for weeks. Those two, (parent and child) would battle it out and when the dust settled, my ego would then emerge from the rubble to clean it all up again. That's when I'd "start running again" or "go on a diet". The initial trigger was different each time, but the result was the same, conflict, pleasure seeking, depression, guilt and fear.
We had some different errands to run so hubby took care of those as I sat in the car thinking.
It is true, I'm not where I want to be weight wise. But, that shouldn't negate the the fact that I have lost weight, or that I'm a size smaller now...yeay! My inner thighs do have some cellulite on them and maybe I'm not ready to where shorts that short. But, I'm coming along, I just have to give it time. NOTHING CHANGED the only thing that was different was my emotions. I can choose to look at the positive, or focus on the negative.
It is my choice.
But, You know what? It's all good. Because, I saw this whole thing attempt to play out. I caught it in time to do something different. I realized the trappings of my past, I felt sad for the moment, but I kept to my plan. I did not medicate with food. I reasoned through my emotions and I've got a run planned for Sunday morning. I may still stumble but Perfection is not the goal. Moving forward in health...that is the goal!