and I step to the edge
To see my world below
And I laugh at myself
while the tears roll down
'Cause it's the world I know,
it's the world I know.
- Collective Soul
I'm feeling a whole mess of things today. During my run today the song "It's World I know" came on. It got me thinking about my journey this year, both physical and emotional. Right now, as I look back to who I was and how I felt in 2010, it feels distant. I remember it from an emotional vantage, anger, failure, self-loathing, depression. I know it, but it feels like it's gone from me now. Like a veil has been removed and I see things clearly. I look back on my life and I'm sad, for that person I was, for the lost time. I look forward and I have a bit of fear, this path that I'm on is unknown. Who am I? Who am I becoming? The changes are welcomed but scary at the same time.
How I've grown thus far
- Knowledge of internalized parent/child conflict or Super-ego/Id
- Completion(with relative ease)of the C25k program
- Signing up for the Half Marathon in Virginia
- Beginning the half marathon training program
- Becoming Vegan
They don't look like much begin written out like this, but the sum of these things result in a completely different me. A scary new me that I don't recognize, but I'm liking. I guess to put it simply I have had a huge, or maybe a few semi-huge "ah-ha moments" as Oprah would put it. Mid-Life Crisis? Maybe that's where I was at in 2010. I don't feel in crisis right now. Actually for the first time ever I feel in control, unstoppable, amazing. But since I've done nearly a complete 180 in 6 months time, it's not surprising that I'm still a little uncertain of it all. The kids have officially noticed over the last few days. Saying things like, "wow your happy" or "why are you so happy" for them to notice a change in me says a lot.
I think this "happy" they speak of is really just peace. I accept where I am right now, both weight wise, and running wise. I know I have a ways to go before I'm down to my goal weight, but I have every confidence that I will get there in time. I am not worried or obsessing over it. I am not weighing my food or counting calories. Not torturing myself with exercise. I'm just making Vegan food choices, listening to my body and running. I have definitely tried to beat, hate, torture, deprive and verbally abuse myself into shape. That never really worked for me. But now I appreciate and I'm even in awe of my body. I'm amazed as I push it further and further, mile after mile. My body takes it and keeps going. I AM Strong after all.
Distance: 4.03 miles