Monday, June 16, 2008

Fickle Feelings

It’s weird how one day you can be gleeful over a good run, and then the next day beat yourself up about it. This week things are not going as planned because of a MINOR surgery and I mean M-I-N-O-R. I had a tiny cyst removed from my lower back. Just a ¾ inch incision; just one stitch. But between that and trusty Aunt Flo … I didn’t run practically all week. No running, means no weight loss and in fact my weight has gone up three pounds in 4 days!! It's the same few pounds, over and over again..lose them gain them, lose them again....AGGGGGHHHHH. I’m eating essentially the same…not the greatest food choices but not horrible and I’m trying to watch my portion sizes. But that scale just seems to hate me.

Besides weight, running has me down to...I know a few days of laying around isn’t going to ruin my running progress forever, but I also know that it’s not going to get any easier and I won’t get any faster if I’m not running; and since I ALREADY feel like a land monster when I run… well, it just makes me sad. Not to say that I feel fat when I run… it’s not that. I just feel slow; real slow, like sloth slow. I feel like I’ll never be fast or even normal. I get wild expectations like 5K in less than 28 minutes which for me right now is virtually impossible. But rather than cut myself some slack and say,” hey I’ve only seriously been running for a short time and what I’m doing is good for where I’m at right now”…. I opt for the beat myself up head games that get me to the point where I want to give up or work out so hard that I risk serious injury. This time around, I’m not doing either of the aforementioned options. I’m just sitting here knowing how I should look at it… feeling bad… struggling to look at this in the right light…and pondering why I do this to myself.

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